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Dating is no easy task. I have spent most of my life trying to figure out the other sex and I still don't have any idea what women want. I have bought flowers. I have even bought dark chocolate; oodles and oodles of dark chocolate. I have tried taking it slow, I have tried jumping head first into love, but all attempts have been futile. Finding the right one for me has been like trying to find a diamond in a huge steaming pile of elephant fiber testing samples. I have been to bars, to the beach; I've even been to the grocery store when I didn't need any food or cleaning solvents or anything. No luck.

Since it is very close to Valentine's Day, and seeing that I have no prospects in sight, I decided, as a last resort, to give online dating a try. I went onto one Latino dating service called Latinosinheat.com that my friend, SiemprePedo32, told me about. Wow! First of all, the pictures of the girls there made me feel like I should be walking up to my neighbor's homes and report myself. The girls in these profile pictures were wearing close to nothing, or wearing t-shirts that read things like, "Not drunk enough yet," and "Keep drinking, I'll look better." I was dumbfounded!

So of course, I thought it must be some kind of joke. I searched the guys to see if they were also too young and raunchy and they were even worse. Guys aren't cute enough to get away with provocative t-shirts (pause), so they used outlandish profile names to grab one's attention. One guy went under the alias of "VJJMASTER" another, "MuchoMachoMan21," and my all time favorite, "SuperChuloVato39." All jokes aside, I did see some interesting information I never knew women were looking for. The women were asking for men that had jobs, were close to retiring because older men know what they want, or someone that owned a chocolate factory. I mean, seriously, a job. Where do they get off? They were asking for men with hairy chests, grills loaded with gold, and cars with no less than 20" Spreewells. I felt like Hugh Hefner. I'm all of that and a bag of plantain chips.

The guys, on the other hand, didn't care about any of that. They wanted women with "huge personalities" or that looked like they could crush a watermelon with their arroz-con-pollo-butts. They were begging to see huge door-knocker-earrings and super tight pants that made their legs turn blue to match their eye make-up. They asked for tortilla chins and lips filled with manteca. As critical as I may sound, I did give one girl a chance.  Her name was Chongalicious69. Since I'm a big literary buff, I was intrigued by the wordplay. Plus, she was pretty hot too. Turns out, of course, that the picture I saw was taken when she was 21, which was like five years ago, and a herd of cattle later.

Why do people do that? Why do we insist on posting pictures of ourselves from years back? Like the person you talk to and then finally meet isn't going to figure it out when you walk up behind them at the bar and the light of the sun disappears. I mean, seriously, do we think the other person is going to be impressed that we look like we ate our younger selves...with seconds?

Of course, my experience is my own. Not every online dating story ends up with the slaying of Jabba the Hut. And not every person lies when it comes to posting a picture or giving information about themselves. But wouldn't it be easier if we just went out there and did what the prior generations have done-gone outside and met people? 

My advice to you is this, if you're lonely, go out. Open your mouth and talk to people. It is amazing how much people will share with you if you just show a slight hint of decency and a smidge of interest. Plus, you know what you're getting into. You know what their smile looks like.

Valentine's Day is only one day out of the year. Every day should be a day to tell the one you care about that you love them. Don't only buy pink cards or chocolate because Hallmark says you should. If I have learned anything from my experience is that women love chocolate; especially dark chocolate. Get her a box of chocolate truffles from Romanicos.com and see where the night takes you. Love will happen just as sure as crap happens; when it's ready.

For more of Pachito El Che's creative writing go here.

[Editor's note: All websites and screenames are fictional in the preceding article but seriously go out and find love!]