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Forever scares the shit out of me. It sneaks up behind me, jumps out of the bushes, hides under my bed, and yells "BOO!", leaving me shaken and laying flat on my ass.  I can't even bring myself to commit to a two-year cellular calling plan.  I have vehemently refused this restrictive, limiting option, which is presented by every red blooded, red shirted Verizon Wireless store representative.

This imbedded fear goes beyond my cell phone plan.  It affects everything I do and every relationship I have ever had (the longest only being seven months). The only relationships deemed forever friendly are my friendships and family relationships.  Forever doesn't scare me then, because my heart isn't a bull's eye for unfaithfulness, rejection, and abandonment.  But any kind of emotional vulnerability makes me run away from forever like a white chick being chased by Michael Meyers. Wearing only a pair of pink thongs and a half-open button-down man's shirt, I scream into the empty darkness, trip on a twig, and look back.

We all know what happens when you look back.  A machete slices off your head or a chain saw mangles your body beyond recognition.  Thankfully, forever caught me and just gave me a concussion. 

I was in Lynn, Massachusetts for Chris' wedding knowing I would confront Kurt, the man I thought was meant for me, forever.  I walked into Tatiana's Restaurant, my heart racing from nervousness; Kurt and I hadn’t seen each other since our sexless rendezvous in D.C. From a distance, I watched as he ordered a drink and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his khaki, army shorts.  Our eyes met as soon as my friend Celia and I reached the bar, but I quickly turned away and greeted the other members of his former college entourage. Soon he was in front of me.  I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and he pulled me into his arms.  I yearned to flee his embrace, but he only held me tighter.

After our intimate hug, Kurt continued to shower me with attention.  In true Kurt fashion, he also added a sprinkle of blatantly sexual statements.  While we helped set up for the wedding reception, he leaned into me as he once did in college. With lowered eyes and arched back, he whispered, "I have a hotel room".  I looked at him, deadpan in tone and expression, and remarked, "Congratulations". He jerked his head back in surprise. My comment straightening him out along with his posture.

Dinner with our friends was no different. While entering a Japanese restaurant in the Sheraton Hotel, Kurt cornered me, separating me from the rest of the group, and asked if we could “take a walk”. I looked at him expressionless again and told him we should join the group.

So far, my willpower had been impressive.  Until we traveled through the restaurant doors and into the hotel bar, that is.  Kurt stood next to me in his traditional, predictable “I’m trying to kick it to you, girl” stance.  With shoulders hunched over, his lowered eyes traveled from my ass and legs (wrapped tightly in black tights) and back. 

“Why are you being so mean to me?” he asked softly.

“How am I being mean?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Earlier with the hotel comment. I think you misinterpreted what I said,” he continued.

“I misinterpreted what you said because you don’t communicate directly,” I stated.

“Come on, lets take a walk,” Kurt requested again.

“What for?” I asked, surprised at his persistence.  Kurt hadn’t been this adamant about spending alone time since college.

“Just take a walk with me,” he pleaded sweetly.  

I stood from the bar stool and grabbed my purse. Kurt always managed to lure me. As soon as he flipped his hard disposition to a kinder, gentler one, I softened.

We began walking toward the exit when Chris and his entourage decided we should all leave.  Celia then walked over to me and told me she wanted to go home.  Kurt lingered around me, waiting for another opportunity to pull me away.  Celia went to speak to Chris and Kurt got his chance. 

“Come on, let’s talk.”

“I’m going home already,” I replied quickly. 

He looked at me with his seductive, bedroom eyes, grabbed my hand, and pulled me away from the rest.  I followed, hesitating a bit. The situation shook my nerves; it was too reminiscent of college. 

“Why are you leaving?” he asked while leaning against the wall. 

“Celia wants to go.  You know she gets tired because of her treatment.” Kurt held my waist and brought me closer.  I froze as he caressed my hips.

“Why don’t you just stay with me?”

“I don’t think so,” I stated.

“I’ll fuck the shit out of you,” he replied. 

“Okay, I have to go.”  I attempted to move away from him but he held on to my waist.  I glared at him, exasperated, pissed off, and confused.

“What do you want from me?!” I fumed.

“What do mean?” he asked with a coy smile. 

“I gotta go. You drive me insane and I can’t deal!”

“I drive you insane?” he asked, still smiling.  He was enjoying this.  Torturing me. Flirting with me.  Keeping me in a state of limbo.

“Yes, you can’t communicate and your behavior makes no sense.  You drive me insane. Now I have to go!” I demanded.

Kurt continued to hold me. He turned his right cheek and I looked at him, half disgusted and half turned on.  I went with my first instinct and gave him a quick peck. He turned his left cheek and I complied once again.  He then faced me, still holding onto my waist.  I followed my heart one more time, leaned in, and gave him a quick kiss. 

I walked away, wondering what the next day would bring.  Yes, Chris would get married. Yes, he would walk down the aisle and pledge his forever and evers to his Margaret. But what would Chris and Margaret’s wedding day bring for Kurt and I?  For an instant, my body trembled with happiness at the thought of Kurt and I defining our relationship and committing to live happily ever after.   But soon I shook from fear.  What if Kurt and I didn’t live happily ever after?  What if I asked him to define our relationship, demanded that he tell me what he truly felt, and it was simply an affection, tenderness and love formed out of convenience and costumbre?  My throat closed up, fighting back tears. I wanted to break through the Sheraton’s sliding doors and scream into the half-empty parking lot.   I wanted to scream and holler into the night.  I couldn’t walk down that path.  I couldn’t bear the idea of Kurt not loving me.  It was safer to flee into the forest, not look back, and be in this limbo of a relationship, forever.