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I have a stereotypical Black woman living in my ear.  She travels past my nerves and squeezes her big ass into my ear’s Eustachian tube.  I immediately feel the pressure as her big ass stretches my eardrum and causes temporary deafness. I panic, wondering when I will regain my sense of hearing, and then, just like that, I hear a “POP”!  The Black woman in my ear has made her way through my Eustachian tube without causing any real damage.  I feel sweet relief, until I hear a clicking sound in the distance.  I put my index finger in my ear and give it a hard shake, hoping she will fall back, hit her head on my ear’s stirrup and knock herself unconscious.  But I have no such luck.  The clicking becomes stronger, louder.  My stereotypical Black woman zooms down my ear canal. She clears her throat before opening her mouth and shouting, “Oh no he didn’t!”

The stereotypical Black woman that resides in my ear is none other than Sheneneh Jenkins from the popular television show “Martin”.  And just like in “Martin”, she hollers, “Oh no he/she/you didn’t!” and then some when she opposes anyone’s (including my own) actions, attitude, and decisions.  Sheneneh Jenkins is a lot like my alter ego, Conchita.  They’re mission is to protect the body and the heart of the woman they call home – me.  They just differ in strategy.  For example, my sophomore year in college, a man took his hand and swiped it in between my ass like I was an ATM machine.  Sheneneh shouted, “Oh my goodness!  Oh my goodness” while Conchita pushed his hand off my rear and threatened to “Smack the shit out of him!” Sheneneh then shouted, “Oh no he didn’t!” when the sleaze ball retaliated by pushing me back.

Sheneneh was also there, con su allanto of “OH NO HE DIDN’T!”, when over AIM, Johnny asked if I would ever sleep with him again. When Johnny asked me to meet him for drinks minutes after his sexual proposition, I waited for Sheneneh to dive down my ear canal.  I almost suffered complete hearing loss, when Sheneneh shrieked, “OH NO YOU DIDN’T!” after I accepted Johnny’s invitation.  But first I had to have drinks with my new friend Alex. 

My ears were fully functional by the time I met up with Alex at Orbit bar.  He greeted me with a peck on the cheek and my favorite drink.

“Bacardi and coke,” Alex said while sliding it across the wooden table.  I smiled.

He introduced me to his friends as I sipped my drink. Alex and I then began our usual small talk.  He told me about his day and I spoke about mine.  Things between us were as they always were – platonic. 

A few Bacardi and cokes and Patron shots later, my sister Adriana arrived at Orbit. Alex and I had also begun to flirt.  He wrapped his arm around my waist, exposed his deep dimples with his constant smiles, and I stroked his arms, chest, and shoulders as I often do when I’m flirting. My sister noticed our interaction and pulled me to the side,

“Are you alright?” she asked worriedly.

“Yeah, why?” 

“He’s all over you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with that, since I know you’re drunk. I mean he’s cute but he’s not really your type,” she replied sternly.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just having fun!” I turned toward Alex again and a salsa band began to play.  Alex grabbed my hand and we began to dance.  He held me close. I could smell the Patron on his breath.  He kissed my neck and my sister tugged at my arm.  I pulled away and quickly kissed Alex on the lips. Not a peep from Sheneneh.  

Alex soon went to the bathroom. My sister took the opportunity to transform into the Latina Barbara Walters. She began her inquisition and asked how much I had to drink.  Then asked if I liked Alex, if I wanted to date him, if I thought he was worth my time, if I was truly attracted to him or if it was just the alcohol (Conchita) making my decisions.  I answered her quickly, annoyed at her sudden attempt to control me, and walked outside. I took a deep breath and called Johnny.

“Hey, what’s up?” Johnny answered.

“Nothing, I’m finishing up here,” I lied.  Sheneneh struck my eardrum and bellowed, “Oh no you didn’t!”  I ignored the ringing in my ear and continued to make plans,

“Where should we meet downtown?”

“I didn’t go downtown.  I’m in the Bronx.  But we can hang here,” Johnny stated nonchalantly.

I paused before replying to his request. My gut growled, warning me of his intentions, or maybe it was Sheneneh growling in my ear.

“I’m not going to the Bronx,” I replied firmly.

“Well I’m staying home.  You can come here,” he reaffirmed. Sheneneh gasped and accidentally sucked in some liquid from my ears cochlea.  In between coughs, she roared, “OH---NO---HE----DIDN’T!”

“I’m not going to the Bronx,” I repeated, just as disturbed as Sheneneh.  Going to the Bronx meant going to Johnny’s apartment. The same apartment he lived in with his girlfriend and his son.  Instead, I bid Johnny farewell (for good), hung up the phone, and went back to Orbit. 

The night continued and Alex and I continued to flirt.  After a dozen or so songs danced, and a handful more drinks drunk, we all decided to leave.  My sister hailed a cab and ordered me to, “Go home” before scooting into the backseat and disappearing down 1^st avenue.  I ignored her command and remained outside with Alex.  He covered my shivering body with his arms and brought me to his chest.  We were face to face and I instantly heard the clicking in my ear.  I tilted my head to the side and felt Sheneneh fall deep into my canal.  As I went to kiss Alex, I could here Sheneneh’s “Oh know you didn’t!” fading in the distance.  And that’s when our lips finally locked. That’s when I enjoyed the moment and whispered to Sheneneh, “Oh yes, I did”.