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I have a feeling I’ll get a BIG reaction to this blog. Not a HUGE reaction, where readers of Love Trips send this blog to every single person they know and then they email it to everyone they know and then Oprah gets an email and I’m sitting on her couch with my very own weekly segment called "Love Vice with Jeiry", but a BIG reaction. What’s so BIG about this specific blog? Well, this blog is BALLSY, right on time for the New Year. And the BIG, but not HUGE, BALLSINESS of this blog will probably make me a target for criticism this New Year. The BIG, but not HUGE, BALLSINESS of this blog may open the door to a lot more accusations questioning my sanity. It’s going to be an all around war.

My feelings are always on target, which is why I’m certain of the unpleasantness I will soon experience. When I began my blog midway through my first year in graduate school, I had a feeling it would not only become a favorite read for my friends and family, but that it would also be a regular piece on an established website. Seven months later “Love Trips” was live on migente.com. My positive, sure feeling even persisted when migente.com decided to treat its writers like college interns. They ceased payment and I ceased writing “Love Trips”. But all the while my gut churned, “Don’t fret my pet! You will continue to write “Love Trips” and get paid!” Now here I am, on SiTV, revealing the BIGNESS, but not HUGENESS, that is this blog.

I was writing a previous not so BIG blog on my Mac laptop when a new window popped open on my computer screen. I was on AIM and someone was attempting to send me an instant message. Someone that was not on my Buddy list. Someone I had deleted. I looked at the screename and recognized that someone. It was my ex-boyfriend Johnny. My fingertips touched my mouse pad, hesitant at first, and then they tapped twice to accept the instant message. Johnny had greeted me hello. I typed back, "Hello, how are you?", still suspicious of his intentions, and then pressed "Enter". He replied, stating he was doing well. Still pleasant, I thought surprised. My body loosened. Maybe my suspicions about Johnny were wrong, I convinced myself. Maybe we could be friends. With that in mind, I asked Johnny about his children and his relationship because that's what friends do. He also took the same route.

“So are you in love yet?” he asked, following an LOL. I LOL’ed him back, knowing that LOL’s and LMAO’s are essential in lighthearted AIM conversations.

“No, I’m just chillin’” I replied.

“You have to have fun. Do your thing…” Hearing my ex-boyfriend tell me to "do my thing" felt odd. But we had both moved on. We can be friends, I reassured myself.

“Well I’m dealing with someone I went to college with. It’s been off and on. I went to visit him in DC but it wasn't what I expected.” I send the message without wavering.

“The white boy, right? What happened?” he asked.

I was surprised Johnny remembered Kurt and filled him in on everything that had happened and hadn’t happened during my visit to DC. We were like old, college girlfriends.

“He didn’t jump you? Herb...”

“Yeah I know. It’s crazy. He was talking all this shit too, about what he was going to do to me. It was frustrating.” I replied, feeling even more comfortable.

“I would have jumped you.”

I stared at my computer screen for a second and reread Johnny’s last line. He would have jumped me. Johnny was going to take it there. I had a feeling. But before I could reply with a “Are you kidding me?”, my computer beeped and another window popped open. Someone had sent me an instant message. Someone that was on my Buddy list. A new buddy named Alex.

“Hey mami, are we still on for tonight?” he asked.

“Yup. 6pm at Orbit?”

“Si senorita.” I smiled at his response. My computer then beeped again. I clicked onto my AIM chat with Johnny.

“Would you ever have sex with me again?” My jaw dropped as I read his instant message. I didn’t hesitate and responded “no”.

“Why not?” he asked. What the fuck?! I thought. I had a feeling he was going to take it there but this was extreme.

“Once someone is out of my system they're out of my system. And you’re out of my system.” I typed angrily, pounding away at my keypad.

“You haven’t seen me. I’ve lost weight and my hair has grown out,” he said confidently. “What are you doing tonight? I’m going to be hanging out downtown. We should meet up.”

I paused. I actually wanted to see Johnny, not to reignite our relationship or aid him in the destruction of his, but to gain closure. Seeing Johnny one last time would empower me. I would see him and feel nothing. I would see him and be grateful that I wasn’t his baby’s momma, live in girlfriend, or any girlfriend for that matter. And this just wasn’t a feeling. No, I knew that seeing Johnny wouldn’t have the “I-want-you-to-take-me-now!” impact he desired. This was more than a feeling. So I replied, “Ok, for closure”. After spending time with Alex, I would have a drink with Johnny, and that encounter would be BIG. That encounter would be as BIG as this blog, as BIG as my need to strut my stuff and reject him, as BIG as my possibly, soon-to-come crucifixion. All of these things would be BIG. Not HUGE, not ENORMOUS, and definitely not BALLSY. Just BIG.