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Today I am on day 7 of my master cleanse.
For those who have never heard of the master cleanse it is essentially a form of torture.
You abstain from all forms of food for 10 days in order to cleanse your colon, kidneys, other digestive organs, and to rid your body of impurities and mucus forming debris that helps diseases to form and fester.

Sounds lovely doesn’t it? Oh it only gets better.
For 10 days you drink a mixture of fresh squeezed lemon juice, filtered water, organic grade b maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That’s it. No fruits no veggies, no nothing. Just spicy lemonade. The water, well it’s water it’s good for you. The lemon helps alkalinize and clean your body, the cayenne helps break “things” up, and the maple syrup gives you the sugars and minerals to help you get through the day so you don’t pass out. In addition to this, every night you drink an herbal laxative, to “get things moving” so to speak, and in the morning you drink a quart of water with 2tsps. of sea salt to help “flush things out”. Mmmm. Yummy.

Now I did the master cleanse 2 years ago for 7 days and it was spectacular I must say. I did not break down and eat, I felt awesome, I felt more “connected” and calmed, though it did not keep me from making a dumb decision some days after it, (that we shall not speak of here) and I was glad to do it. I lost some nagging weight, felt quite clean and squeaky on the inside, and besides a ravenous craving for McDonalds fries that lasted the entire week, I got through it just fine.

Since then I have tried to do it again 4 times unsuccessfully. I managed to get through 5 days in October but I was about to go to Chicago for like a week, and I realized I was gonna really want some deep dish pizza and my moms fried chicken, so I stopped on day 5.

I told myself I was going to do it after the new year, but with traveling and shows and life, I waited till last week to start.

It has not been pretty. Sigh.
It just hasn’t.

I don’t know what I am resisting or what the hell I am flushing out of my body but I have not been feeling this shit all week. I want food dammit. And I want it now. And it’s been pissing me off that I can’t have any. The only thing keeping me semi sane is willpower and a small bag of turkey pepperoni that was left in the fridge.

Dam that turkey pepperoni. It started with 4 pieces on Saturday. I opened the fridge ready to get a refreshing glass of lemon torture, and there was the ‘roni. Glowing through the Kroger’s packaging, smiling at me, sweetly singing in a Barry White voice,
“You know you want me. I’m spicy and so tasty girl.”
And “I said one piece won’t hurt.”

I broke down and told my boyfriend. (Who is also fasting) He was disappointed in me.
“Baby…”
he said while shaking his head slightly…
“you got to be strong.”
He made a gentle “way of the warrior” fist and shook it slightly.
I almost broke down into tears and said “I know, I’m, sorry, but I’m so hungry. I really want food.”
“I want food too” he said, “but part of the process is strengthening your will power”
He shook his gentle fist again.
Oooooh well OK Master Yoda. Will power huh?
“Yea right. Well that shit is real easy for you to say Mr. I’m only on my 3rd day. Shit. Whatever, get to day 5 and then we’ll see who’s eating turkey pepperoni.”

I imagined the turkey pepperoni doing nasty things to my intestines, having a mucus making party and giving my vulnerable colon a big middle finger as it cruised through saying..
“That’s right beyoooootch! She gave in to me!!!! Mua hahaha!!!”

On a side note..

Who knew they made turkey perpperoni?!
I surely did not. And the discovery of it at Ralph’s several weeks ago made me leap with joy. I happen to be huge fan of pepperoni, have been since I was a wee thing, and since I don’t really do the pork thing anymore, I don’t get to enjoy it anymore. But rest assured my non swine eating friends, turkey pepperoni is here!

So, back to my story.
Yesterday, after a small “lovers tiff” I was grumbling around the kitchen,
“Yea ok, mister know it all. Mister ‘I can do this so can you’. Mister I’ve made it all 10 days without breaking down. Mister, %!!!***$# whatever. Here’s to your perfect fast.” I snuck the bag out the fridge dumped 8 pieces on the counter and stuffed em in 2 at a time. Chewing as loud as I could. “Nyah! You ain’t got no pepperoni!”
I washed them down with a glass of spicy lemonade. I did not tell him about this incident.

Today, I had 4 more pieces. I did not tell him about this one either.
Moral of the story, don’t leave turkey pepperoni in the fridge when you’re fasting.

Well…
I don’t really know if there is a moral to the story.
I just know I am really looking forward to my first meal again. Jeezuz. Wow.

I’m trying to figure out what if anything I have learned from the turkey pepperoni ordeal. So in attempt to learn from my weakness I decided to look up some wise quotes concerning temptation.

‘Tis one thing to be tempted another thing to fail
Temptation is the fire that brings up the scum of the heart.
Every conquering temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.
Good habits result from resisting temptation.
Temptation wrings integrity even as the thumbscrew twists a man's fingers.

Uh. Great. None of these made me feel any better.
And I still wanted more ‘roni.

But if this week of fasting did anything, it did allow me to have a few realizations.

I realized I need to work on my patience.
I realized maybe I need to try a more gentle fast/cleanse next time I want to rinse my colon.
I realized I have a great boyfriend who always tries to encourage me.
I realized I can enjoy pepperoni again.
I realized I really love to eat.
I realized I need to eat more of the right things to keep my body healthy.
I realized I like doing things that challenge and stretch me even if I don’t do ‘em perfectly.

So maybe it would have been nice to say I made it through my entire fast without breaking down once, but at least I can say I made it through my fast and I only had 16 pieces of turkey ‘roni. It’s better than 30. Or the whole bag. Or a pepperoni pizza for that matter. At least that’s what I’m telling myself as I sip my glass of spicy lemonade.
Yum.
Mmmm mmmm good.

On a high note, my friend came by my house today and she said I was glowing. My “skin looks healthy”. I guess the torture is paying off.
In any case, those are my thought on my master cleanse breakdown. If I have any more insights before the week is out, I’ll let you know.
Peace and cayenne grease.

Mayda